The Lava Trolley: Stig Unmasked!

The Lava Trolley

Or is it the lavatory???

...Either case, this little nook on blogasphere is the natural dumping ground for the sort of crap that erupts
when you find a wee Chink in the Britworks...

But hey, I promise you this is steamingly hot shit...which is probably why it's all looking a bit brown!


21 June 2006

Stig Unmasked!


Ok, I lied...

I don't know who the Stig is, anymore than you do...He might be Julian Bailey, he might not be...Some say his eyelashes trap spiders for lunch, and that he pirouettes to the swan song in his sleep...All we know is...blah blah blah...

Yes, you get the drift.

I am merely lamenting a very enjoyable hour I have to give up Sunday evening, all in the name of football. The World Cup's only just started, and already I'm heartily sick of it. Patriotism isn't just about kicking a ball around, you know. Everytime I see one of those poxy flags flapping about, I get this incredible urge to ram it up its owner's hypocritical rear-end (and I'm not talking cars here).

Top Gear fans have, unfortunately, been outvoted...again.

In case you get the wrong impression, let me just clear something up here...I'm not a car enthusiast by any stretch of the imagination.

I don't drive around in anything that looks like this...


Or this...


Or this even...


(I'd love to see how this furry contraption survives the car wash...Perhaps drowned rats are a common sight at garages.)

In fact, I don't even drive...Or more to the point, I can't drive...Those off-road lessons from 10 years ago never did amount to anything. As far as I'm concerned, a car's job is just to get you from A to B, with minimum calorie loss.

Besides, even if I did own a car, you can be sure it would never look as tacky as the above specimens, and will instead look as elegant as the one below...

Ooh...but what am I saying? That is our car...(David's actually, but mine by default...You know the old adage - What's his is mine and so on.) Fancy that!

I watch Top Gear purely for entertainment reasons. As a piece of TV Journalism, it's very well put-together...Brillant camerawork, great content (with controversy and humour only the half of it), and the presenters compliment one another; Captain Slow and the shiny-toothed Hamster (bless him!) reining in Jezza's driving impulse to turn the whole programme into yet another Clarkson carry-on. (Though like most grumpy old men, he does usually make a lot of sense.)

But if the letters of complaint are anything to go by, not everyone gets what Top Gear's about. Nary a season goes by without someone bemoaning the lack of reasonably-priced cars...Well, there's the Chevrolet Lacetti, or the Suzuki Liana which has stood the test of time (not to mention circuits of celebrity abuse)...What more do they want?!

Looking out for reviews on an everday car in Top Gear is a little like scouring Vogue for high street rags. It's just not going to happen.

People want something to aspire to. If I want a low-budget outfit, I'd look in the Next catalogue (or switch to Fifth Gear for my automobile needs). Top Gear fulfils a different purpose.

How else can we experience the thrill of a Koenigsegg by proxy? Or test the limits of French traffic law whilst tearing across Europe in a Bugatti?

Nope, bring on all the pointless races with flying squirrels, champion rock climbers and TA snipers, together with car-football, amphibian motoring DIY, nuns in monster trucks, and what-have-you...

Who cares which MPV is best at fuel economy when we can watch Top Gear at its caravan-bashing best?

Sadly, it'll be another month before Top Gear gets back on track.



In the meantime, we can laugh at more Carbage.

PS - The music video that was mentioned here and here has now been compressed and uploaded. You can watch my TV debut by clicking this. I'd just like to add that this does not reflect my taste in music. However, I do support the band...If only for the reason that it's not Hip Hop-stroke-R&B. Anything is better than that!

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  • At 3/7/06 09:59, Blogger Angelika Jane said…

    hey, nice blog =)
    of course u can play too ;P
    So, ur tagged ;)

  • At 4/7/06 19:49, Blogger Charme said…

    Yay!!! :-D

  • At 18/7/06 06:18, Blogger AHP said…


    I'm writing from Detroit, USA. I like the post with the neat car pictures. In case you were wondering, I found your blog on I think I'm the first person to click on your blog from that page. Anyway, I like your blog, was on 25peeps last week, got knocked off.

    Take care,
    "Things I've Noticed"

  • At 18/7/06 12:18, Blogger Charme said…

    Neat car pictures? The only neat one I see on there is the Mondeo ST200. :-p

    I didn't even realise I was a new contender on 25peeps until you told me. I think I've only been on there for a few hours though...I didn't like the pic I submitted and wanted to change it, but it was too late...Oh well, it's not like I can't send in another one when I get knocked off!


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