The Lava Trolley: February 2006

The Lava Trolley

Or is it the lavatory???

...Either case, this little nook on blogasphere is the natural dumping ground for the sort of crap that erupts
when you find a wee Chink in the Britworks...

But hey, I promise you this is steamingly hot shit...which is probably why it's all looking a bit brown!


28 February 2006

Scarred for Life


"If I ache,
it's because we are apart
and yet that can't be
because you are inside
and a part of me,
so we really aren't
apart at all.
Yet I ache but wouldn't be
without the ache,
because that would mean
being without you
and that I can't be,
because I love you."

Ok, so Ronald Reagan's speech after he was caught selling arms to Iran was an embarrassing moment in history (right up there with Prince Charles' attempts at breakdancing...oh dear, don't give up the day job...hang on a minute...WHAT job?), but the man sure knew how to write love letters!!!

I suppose if we had to make a TV programme about a cringe-worthy era, it would have to be the 80s - the decade that taste forgot.

Channel 5 made the countdown last a whole 3 hours, but then again, that was hardly a surprise...If anything, I was amazed it didn't last longer! Being more of a 90s kid, I could observe the reminiscing with my nose in the air (well, it's a rather flat nose, so I didn't miss much), though admittedly, most of my time was spent ROFL at David (who actually did sport a mullet) and me mate, Andy (who tried to explain why it was more fun to live in the 80s...something to do with tight bicycle shorts? Or perhaps the cheesy music...Don't mind him, he's gay).

We paused the programme long enough to stuff our faces (alright, we did re-play Reagan's speech as well 'cos it was such a laugh, and even made comparisons to Bush II), but ended up musing about all the OMG traits that would define THIS decade.

Sadly, there's not enough to fill a 3-hour slot (as yet), but here they are anyway, in no particular order:

It is with some degree of smug superiority that I say this, since I will have nothing to do with this trend. I can see the point of shoulder pads in relation to power dressing (though shellsuits are a little more difficult to vindicate...and yes, I did use to wear a dress or two with American Football armour attached to them), but why anyone would want to look scruffy and shapeless day-in day-out is a mystery to me...even more so the incredibly naff concept of tucking one's tracksuit bottoms into socks...which brings me to...

It used to be posh, and when worn in the right fashion, can look really stylish...until chavs hijacked it for their tracksuits, jackets, trousers, caps, socks, bags, shoes, shirts,, every single garment you can think of...'Overkill' doesn't even begin to describe it...They probably even invented new apparel just to slap their trademark on it.

R & B Role Models
It's Mr T happening all over again...Isn't history supposed to keep us from repeating the same mistakes? To be fair, it's not just R & B...Pop stars are totally obssessed with re-enacting their own lives, playing themselves in movies, and generally waving their ill-begotten bling about for all to see...Eminem is still banging on about his domestic situation, and lately, we have Pink advertising whatever 'issues' she's been having with her lifestyle and body image (Look, if you're really NOT 'bovered', you wouldn't keep singing the same tune over and over again)...Geez, enough already! Can't they be a little more original?

The Windsors
Including a royal gaff in this sort of thing is almost a requisite. It would take all day to list them, but I would say the biggest faux pas of the lot was Prince Harry's Nazi outfit.

Reality TV
Big Brother, Pop Idol, X Factor, Most Haunted etc etc etc...Either there's very little worth watching nowadays, or the 80s have succeeded in turning all our brains to mush. Eons ago, slaves would have had to be dragged into the ring to slash and claw at one another for their lives...Now, people do it voluntarily for fame. Yes, we have come very far, haven't we?


No need to elaborate on this...I'm sure we're all sick of talking about it now.
Oh, if you were one of those who believed 'them', you might find
this interesting.

Bush & Blair
The new Bill & Ben. We would dig up less mud about them if they just stuck to gardening.

Political Correctness
A bill will soon be proposed to install bouncers at maternity wards so the rights of babies can be protected from persistent cooers.

Judy Finnigan
Oops...the poor woman...She should invest in some of them booby tape thingies...

Text Speak

...when you're not actually texting...

Mobile Phones
Well, not the dear little gadgets specifically, but their ringtones...some owners have no taste and should really stick to the default tones. This reminds me of...

Webcams, phonecams...and the way we just can't stop taking pictures of ourselves looking utterly ridiculous whilst believing the exact opposite. (By the way, saying 'cheese' is capture the perfect pout, click the shutter when mouthing the word 'two'.) Speaking of which...

Blog Mania
Cyber equivalent of Reality TV...Nothing against news blogs, travelogues, reviews and work-related updates...It's the 'look what I did today' blow-by-blow accounts that make me laugh...Not because us bloggers think perfect strangers would give a shit about what we think, but because you people DO take the time to read our blurp.

I work from home 24/7, and am just a geek with no life outside of these 4 walls (or to be more precise, beyond the perimeters of my 24" widescreen TFT monitor...pardon the surrounding clutter), but what's YOUR excuse?

PS - Feel free to add to this list...

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