The Lava Trolley: Britain's New Flag - The Union Chav

The Lava Trolley

Or is it the lavatory???

...Either case, this little nook on blogasphere is the natural dumping ground for the sort of crap that erupts
when you find a wee Chink in the Britworks...

But hey, I promise you this is steamingly hot shit...which is probably why it's all looking a bit brown!


15 May 2005

Britain's New Flag - The Union Chav


"Brits can survive the Blitz but find hoods intimidating?!"

This just about sums up the logic of the United Kingdom.

If you are absolutely clueless as to what I'm talking about, take a look at this BBC article, Mall Bans Shoppers' Hooded Tops.

And if you STILL have no idea about what we're all blithering on about here on this fair isle, get yourself acquainted with Chavscum.

A dress code at shopping centres? Whatever next???

Before we all get embroiled in an argument about whether every hooded tracksuit-clad person is prone to anti-social behaviour, let’s get things into perspective…The whole idea of Bluewater’s new regulations is (ostensibly) to keep anyone from deliberately obscuring his/her face thus making it more difficult for CCTV to detect the identity of someone in the event that a crime gets committed, and also to preserve the image of Europe’s (one of) largest leisure and retail complex as a family-friendly environment.


Riiiiight…now, how are they going to enforce this?

According to their guidelines, ALL hooded tops and baseball caps have been banned…which strikes me as rather daft…particularly in this country where the weather is somewhat unpredictable, and brollies have a tendency of being ripped apart by gale-force winds. Seeing as Bluewater isn’t quite what I’d consider easily accessible, do they expect all patrons who haven’t the luxury of owning an automobile to perhaps teleport?

Furthermore, the term ‘hooded tops’ leaves FAR too much open to interpretation. I assume they refer to the more sporty variety…but since no indication has been made, and they are probably loath to make any exceptions to prevent misunderstanding, it seems hardly fair that other law-abiding citizens have to suffer the consequences of misconduct precipitated by less responsible individuals.

Is Bluewater, a supposedly ‘classless’ enterprise, going the same way as Harrods?

Surely it would be more practical for staff (of which there must be numerous in an establishment of this size), to keep an eye out for anyone with a hood up (they are, after all, indoors…which would make raised hoods rather redundant), and simply request that he/she lowers it? Besides, there is nothing to stop anyone from smuggling in such garments in their bags, or even from purchasing them from the shops found in the very same mall!

More importantly, what is the significance of this rule? I submit that this is merely another bid to sweep things under the carpet…to pull wool over our eyes…Banning hoods and whatnot solves nothing…It isn’t the attire that needs to change, but the attitude. To coin a phrase from Margaret Mitchell’s classic, “a mule in a horse harness is still a mule”. Forcing chavs to abandon their ‘uniform’ in favour of a few paltry hours spent scouting for assorted Burberry items at Bluewater won’t make them change their behaviour in the slightest. The real problem is that chavs exist at all!!!

Then again, there is the message we are sending out to them. We can all thank our most esteemed Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott, if outlawing such clothing has only introduced another element of tough ‘gangsta’ appeal to the periodic table of Planet Chav.

"Hoods are rather intimidating and I rather
welcome what they have done here at Bluewater."

Shut up, you big poof!!! I don’t see YOU doing anything about it?

Or Tony Blair for that matter…


Ok, I’m not entirely certain if this image is genuine or the result of some nifty Photoshop work and a commendable sense of humour…But the point has been made. We are becoming a nation of scum, and no one’s doing anything about it…worse, the laws of the UK pander to them…and the media doesn’t help (apart from Little Britain, though the effectiveness of that sort of ridicule is debatable…chavs just aren’t intelligent enough to grasp the concept of satirical humour)...Otherwise respectable celebrities like Kate Moss, Paris Hilton and Madonna actually endorse this culture by adopting chav trends.


Don't get me wrong...all this criticism doesn't mean I am dead set against this dress code...Heaven knows anything that makes life difficult for chavs will have my support...Still...That this country has to resort to imposing precepts that outline what we should and shouldn’t wear in public areas is a sure sign that something is very very wrong. Is that the best we can come up with? Great! Brit society is rapidly disintegrating and our government hasn’t even got a contingency plan. As I have often said, our nation’s slogan should be: “the future’s grim; the future’s ash-grey”. A prophecy bleak enough to more than rival our winters, but nonetheless an accurate assessment.

pic9 pic8

How I wish I could do a Harry Potter by waving my magic wand and turning all chavs into nice productive individuals. Sadly, that’s never going to happen. Looks like us lot are doomed to let the bling posse walk all over us. Is there no hope of ever taking the mug out of muggle? Yes…Rounding up all chavs, shipping them off to some island in the middle of nowhere and leaving them stranded there springs to mind…A fitting end for those who not only take from the community without giving anything in return, but also happen to be a danger to all around them. However, the world is running out of uninhabited places. Besides, one has to consider what this sort of pollution could do to said island’s eco system…Oh well, we shall just have to settle for blasting them off to a distant planet, preferably one with noxious gases.


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